MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
How Good Is Your Charm Alarm?
Don’t be a target for disordered characters
Call them what you will: narcissists, disordered characters, manipulators, sociopaths, or psychopaths. Have you ever encountered one of them only to find yourself emotionally bruised and bleeding on the ground?
Why does this happen? How are we so easily duped?
Dr. George Simon, Ph.D., the leading expert on manipulators and other disturbed characters, says it’s relatively simple.
It comes down to one thing: our ‘charm alarm’ didn’t go off at the beginning of our relationship with them.
In the beginning, our manipulator may have appeared to be nice.
There were no obvious red flags; we may have had no gut checks or other adverse reactions. As a result, we failed to ask ourselves:
- What is it that this person wants from me?
- Why should I give it to them?
- Are they of the character that I trust?
Charm is magnetic and seductive.
Dr. Simon states that charming someone is simple. It involves telling people what they want to hear and giving them what they want.
Manipulators do this with ease. They open a file on your investigation using their keen powers of observation and superb intelligence. Forget the FBI; they are the masters at profiling people.
Their ‘cognitive empathy’ (the ability to see things from your perspective and then act to benefit themselves) allows them to quickly gather necessary intel on us.
Once they’ve done that, they hone in on what we want and need. Then, to get us where they want us, they mirror it. Mission accomplished.
Clueless Sitting Ducks
When we initially start interacting with these folks, we are unaware they are disordered — or manipulative.
As we make small talk, we unwittingly divulge personal information about ourselves. These super sleuths are too eager to take it all in, listening intently — often gazing deeply into our eyes.
We telegraph our insecurities and needs to them as we take the bait and blather on.
Weaponizing Our Human Nature Against Us
It’s the human condition for an admirer’s laser focus and interest in us to gratify our egos. In many circumstances, the person being admired perceives this gushing undivided attention as alluring, hypnotic — and even sexy.
Manipulators use positive words to relax us; they keep us talking, spilling more and more of our dreams and secrets to them. Rest assured, if you’re dealing with a true manipulator, this info is being cataloged to be used against you later — to your detriment.
Meanwhile, as we bask in their fawning attention, our brains kick into gear and pump out dopamine, the pleasure chemical. This makes us view our admirers more favorably; we can quickly become enamored with this individual. If we continue having such interactions, our brain serves us a second dangerous cocktail — oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
Is it any wonder we find ourselves spellbound by these individuals?
Once manipulators — like stage hypnotists — are confident their subjects are entirely ‘under’ their spell, the sideshow of abuse begins.
It’s Too Late Baby, Yeah, It’s Too Late
Usually, it’s not until well into the relationship that we realize we made a mistake. We begin to see the patterns of abuse from the start.
Unfortunately, by the time we see this, the stakes can be high if we attempt to leave the relationship. There may be a marriage commitment, children born of the relationship, entwined finances, etc.
Much has been written elsewhere on those aspects of the manipulative relationship, but that is not the focus of this short article. The takeaway in this unfortunate narrative is that we cannot be manipulated if we don’t buy the charm.
However, that’s easier said than done in most cases.
In today’s increasingly character-disordered world, we all need to have our charm alarms activated and calibrated to the highest level of sensitivity. We must also have a thorough understanding of what about ourselves that might make us vulnerable and thereby targeted by untrustworthy individuals.
An abundance of caution
Relationships (particularly love relationships) should never be approached like a fire sale. Rushing to forge a connection or unthinkingly handing out trust to anyone without an appropriate observation and vetting period is trouble on a stick.
Not everyone is disordered, and not everyone is a stealth manipulator out to get you. But until enough time has elapsed for you to know whether a person has the character to be trusted, keep in mind that less is more.
You may have never listened to music in the 70’s, but I did — a lot! The words of the song, That Smell by Lynard Skinner come to mind.
‘Shields up!’ whenever you begin smelling that first whiff of syrupy-sweet charm wafting your way — no matter how much your ego is gratified!
Ooh that smell
Can’t you smell that smell?
Ooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
